I have discovered the worst seventies movie of all time. This one makes The Star Wars Holiday Special and Xanadu look like Academy Award material.

Horrible special effects? Check.
Picture toy spaceships floating across a black backdrop with Christmas lights poked through a few holes and you have the general idea. Then repeat.

Atrocious dialog? Check.
“Fourth dimensional attack!” “Go now, quickly. The survival of the galaxy is in your hands!” And this is only a taste of the brilliantly bad movie quotes from this film.

Unfortunate B-Movie Sci-Fi Fashion? Check.
Our heroine spends half of the movie running around in a bikini that seems to be made out of electrical tape. And she still manages to sport a jaunty turned-up collar. Not to mention the prevalent use of capes and codpieces. I didn’t know women could even wear codpieces.

David Hasselhoff? Check.
Need I say more?

Put it all together and what do you have? Starcrash, a 1979 Italian film that is the new crown jewel in my “So Bad It’s Good” movie collection.

The movie begins with Anton (Marjoe Gortner) and Stella Star (Caroline Munro) as they pilot their ship through space. They are smugglers on the run and, unfortunately for them, they are caught and thrown into prison. But their luck is about to change. The Emperor himself frees our adventurous heroes from a lifetime behind bars and sends them on a dangerous mission to destroy the evil Count Zar Tharn, and also to rescue the Prince of the Galaxy.

So Anton and Stella set off on their adventure with their erstwhile captors, Thor (a hulking bald green man) and Elle (a neurotic robot with a Southern accent). Their first stop is a planet inhabited by Amazon-like women who are loyal to the evil Count Zar Tharn. Stella and Elle escape the clutches of the Amazon queen only to be pursued by an enormous female giant that is brought to life by the magic of … claymation! (The best part? The Amazon Queen commands the giant by shooting lasers out of her eyes, a la laser cats).

In the next part of their mission, Elle and Stella find themselves stranded on a desolate, frozen planet. Thor has defected in order to “join Count Zar Tharn as the Prince of the League of Darkness.” In a touching scene, Elle and Stella confess their robot-human love for one another:

Stella: Elle, as an opponent I always knew you were programmed to never give up which was infuriating. But now that quality must be (sic) best. You’re the most faithful companion a woman ever had.

Elle: And I too respect you, Stella. You’re the nicest human being I’ve known. Now maybe is a good time to use your ancient system of prayer, and hope it works for robots as well.

Stella: Good-bye, my friend.

I hate to break it to you, but that is not the end of the movie. Our heroes escape to yet another planet, where they are set upon by viscous club-wielding cavemen. Stella is rescued by a mysterious man who shoots lasers out of his eyes. The man turns out to be none other than the Emperor’s long lost son Simon, played by a fresh-faced David Hasselhoff. After a journey to the planet’s core, our heroes meet the evil Count Zar Tharn himself and must battle with his claymation robot henchmen. Zar Tharn escapes, and by a miraculous turn of events, the Emperor shows up and commands his Imperial Battleship to halt the flow of time so that they can flee the planet before it explodes.

At this point in the movie I couldn’t help but remarking that if the Emperor can halt the flow of time, why didn’t he freeze time earlier in the movie and prevent Count Zar Tharn from committing such dastardly deeds? To which Mr. Rollerblog suggested that the Emperor would have been better off halting the flow of time before the movie began so we wouldn’t have had to watch it in the first place. (Ha! We jest. We love this movie. Really).

But I digress. After escaping from the exploding planet, the Emperor and Count Zar Thorn engage in an epic space battle. The Emperor shoots torpedoes into the Emperor’s starship - not filled with explosives or bombs, but with guys who jump out and fire laser guns! Not surprisingly, this tactic is not a success.

The Emperor and Simon are then faced with no other choice; they must use their secret weapon. Star Crash! The fourth dimension! To pull this off, Stella must pilot a floating city on a collision course with Count Zar Tharn’s ship. Now, I’m not really sure what this has to do with the fourth dimension, but who am I to question the wisdom of The Hoff?

So, there you have it. My new favorite terrible, horrible, awful, and therefore, AWESOME, seventies movie of all time. Intrigued? Check out the movie trailer:

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